（ this follows several days after this goddamn disaster. he basically disappeared into the wilds of stygia, suppressed his reiatsu down to nothing and just existed for a few days, nothing but the creepy laughter of children and ghostly footfalls to dog his steps until hunger started to gnaw at him pointedly enough that he could do nothing else but return.
his fury burnt out early on. now he's just tired, and tangled up in all his own raw emotions. it's not like he doesn't know he's prone to depression. he's dealt with it on and off his whole life, usually shackled by survivor's guilt, a pervasive feeling of uselessness, hopelessness.
he'd told yhwach, i know all about despair. i've encountered it again, and again, and i've conquered it every time. it's not untrue. every time up until that final moment, he'd always known he had to keep moving forwards. there were people, lives, worlds that depended on him. he'd never let them down before.
death has changed that.
but it hasn't changed who he is, fundamentally. so, he's still going to take this head on. ）
people were telling you you should ask why i'm sad.
so i'll save you the trouble.
if yhwach wins, that means no more soul society, no more living world, no more hueco mundo.
it means everything's gone, forever.
do you understand what it means for me to be here, knowing i failed, knowing that there's nothing and no one left who can stop him?
（ ishida, aizen and renji are there. but can they win without him? it's not arrogance that makes him say it, it's the knowledge that he was the war power yhwach most feared, which means yhwach saw something in one of his possible futures that gave him that fear.
in his bleakest moments, he thinks that fight was a foregone conclusion from the start. ）
i let everyone down.
you want me to just snap out of it? so you don't have to feel what i'm feeling? i wish you didn't. i wouldn't wish this failure on anyone.
( grimmjow doesn't know who yhwach is, but if he is a powerful enough threat to shake the foundation of all three planes (and even topple them altogether), then he can understand why kurosaki has gone down such a worrisome spiral. as much as he would like to bombard him with questions on yhwach and his goals, his only objective right now is to snap ichigo out of his depressed funk. the questions can come later when the boy is no longer weighed down by his own thoughts.
anyway, he doesn't have the patience to type so AUDIO IT WILL BE. )
WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME THIS, BOY? Do you expect me to fuckin' type back?! ( that's bullshit. )
So, ( let's get right down to it. ) how do you know you've failed? You talk like we won't be able to go back, but if we can be brought here, then don't you think there's gotta be a way back? Have you already given up on looking for it or did you never start because you actually believe we're dead? ( or, well, more specifically, did ichigo think he's dead since grimmjow doesn't count. )
Even if we are, shouldn't there be more of us here then? You're talking about the destruction of Soul Society, Hueco Mundo and the World of the Living! That's TONS of souls for this place to fuckin' reap! They've already got us, so why wouldn't they take the chance to grab more souls if they're free for the picking? ( he's pretty much just shouting at the device now. ) Do you see anyone else from Soul Society, Hueco Mundo or the World of the Living here? What makes us so special that only we get to be in this stupid ass place and not them?!
( not that he would actually want ANY of them here. they would only get in the way. )
You're right about one thing though. ( his voice evens out, his anger diminishing. ) You let everyone down the moment you accepted your own failure. Even if we can go back home, how do you expect to beat this Yhwach guy the way you are now? ( his tone softens to something more serious. ) Pick yourself back up, boy. Take this time to grow in strength and prepare to face him again. Hope isn't lost until you see it with your own eyes, so until that time comes, quit mopin' around and fix that idiotic attitude of yours!
( a momentary pause and then very loudly— ) AND GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE. YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME.
（ there are times he thinks he misses rukia's kicks to the face.
but he does listen.
once.
twice. it makes sense. they wouldn't be the only people here if this place was the result of that destruction, but that just means there's another reason it's just them.
but grimmjow's right, inasmuch as long as he's conscious and aware of himself — dead or alive — he can still move forward.
there's a soft flicker of gratitude through the bond, and then it goes back to comfortably quiescent. ）
( he will find him a small dark-haired girl to kick him in the face if that's what he needs, but for the time being, he seems to have gotten the point across. )
Fine. Do whatever you want. ( ignore the aggravation in his tone. it's not like he cares. )
so he does just that. just gets out of his head, does a few of the notice board missions and then just sort of drifts around talking to the locals. he knows himself well enough that the best medicine is making himself useful to others, and around the time he's helping an old woman weed her garden that he starts ... feeling like his old self.
it's not that he's made peace with everything. but grimmjow's right, and he's ready to stop wallowing.
by the time he goes back to his residence in the wasteland, his emotions are stable. calm. determined.
there's still a bleak, black undercurrent of that exhaustive misery, but it's held in check by his will now.
he's got a bag of groceries that he starts putting away in various neat boxes. it's not like there's a fridge, but most of what he's gotten isn't about to spoil overnight, so. ）
( he doesn't know if he did the "communication" thing right, but it looks like ichigo's spirit is back up.
it's good enough for grimmjow. he would rather the boy be resolute and active than depressed and lethargic. the more kurosaki puts his mind to a cause, the less he will be enveloped by his own self-reproach. )
What? ( he sounds annoyed, but he still heads over to him. )
Next time, don't just air my shit out on the network. People are bound to be able to figure out who you're talking about through the process of elimination. I'm more private than that, and I don't appreciate it.
（ you can't judge an arrancar by the same standards as a human. he knows grimmjow meant... well, not well, but that he was trying to work it out and that ichigo hadn't made it easy on him. but it's still annoying. ）
( he ain't sorry. he did what he had to! and guess what? it worked out great. )
The jjang human ( note: he doesn't know if they're actually human but he is going with it until proven otherwise. ) said we can use filters to go anonymous or make our conversations private. Do you know how to do that, boy?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text ↪ un: 十五
his fury burnt out early on. now he's just tired, and tangled up in all his own raw emotions. it's not like he doesn't know he's prone to depression. he's dealt with it on and off his whole life, usually shackled by survivor's guilt, a pervasive feeling of uselessness, hopelessness.
he'd told yhwach, i know all about despair. i've encountered it again, and again, and i've conquered it every time. it's not untrue. every time up until that final moment, he'd always known he had to keep moving forwards. there were people, lives, worlds that depended on him. he'd never let them down before.
death has changed that.
but it hasn't changed who he is, fundamentally. so, he's still going to take this head on. ）
people were telling you you should ask why i'm sad.
so i'll save you the trouble.
if yhwach wins, that means no more soul society, no more living world, no more hueco mundo.
it means everything's gone, forever.
do you understand what it means for me to be here, knowing i failed, knowing that there's nothing and no one left who can stop him?
（ ishida, aizen and renji are there. but can they win without him? it's not arrogance that makes him say it, it's the knowledge that he was the war power yhwach most feared, which means yhwach saw something in one of his possible futures that gave him that fear.
in his bleakest moments, he thinks that fight was a foregone conclusion from the start. ）
i let everyone down.
you want me to just snap out of it? so you don't have to feel what i'm feeling? i wish you didn't. i wouldn't wish this failure on anyone.
but the last thing i want is other people's pity.
audio bc ABSOLUTELY NOT—
anyway, he doesn't have the patience to type so AUDIO IT WILL BE. )
WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME THIS, BOY? Do you expect me to fuckin' type back?! ( that's bullshit. )
So, ( let's get right down to it. ) how do you know you've failed? You talk like we won't be able to go back, but if we can be brought here, then don't you think there's gotta be a way back? Have you already given up on looking for it or did you never start because you actually believe we're dead? ( or, well, more specifically, did ichigo think he's dead since grimmjow doesn't count. )
Even if we are, shouldn't there be more of us here then? You're talking about the destruction of Soul Society, Hueco Mundo and the World of the Living! That's TONS of souls for this place to fuckin' reap! They've already got us, so why wouldn't they take the chance to grab more souls if they're free for the picking? ( he's pretty much just shouting at the device now. ) Do you see anyone else from Soul Society, Hueco Mundo or the World of the Living here? What makes us so special that only we get to be in this stupid ass place and not them?!
( not that he would actually want ANY of them here. they would only get in the way. )
You're right about one thing though. ( his voice evens out, his anger diminishing. ) You let everyone down the moment you accepted your own failure. Even if we can go back home, how do you expect to beat this Yhwach guy the way you are now? ( his tone softens to something more serious. ) Pick yourself back up, boy. Take this time to grow in strength and prepare to face him again. Hope isn't lost until you see it with your own eyes, so until that time comes, quit mopin' around and fix that idiotic attitude of yours!
( a momentary pause and then very loudly— ) AND GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE. YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME.
no subject
but he does listen.
once.
twice. it makes sense. they wouldn't be the only people here if this place was the result of that destruction, but that just means there's another reason it's just them.
but grimmjow's right, inasmuch as long as he's conscious and aware of himself — dead or alive — he can still move forward.
there's a soft flicker of gratitude through the bond, and then it goes back to comfortably quiescent. ）
i'll be back later.
there's something i want to do.
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Fine. Do whatever you want. ( ignore the aggravation in his tone. it's not like he cares. )
no subject
so he does just that. just gets out of his head, does a few of the notice board missions and then just sort of drifts around talking to the locals. he knows himself well enough that the best medicine is making himself useful to others, and around the time he's helping an old woman weed her garden that he starts ... feeling like his old self.
it's not that he's made peace with everything. but grimmjow's right, and he's ready to stop wallowing.
by the time he goes back to his residence in the wasteland, his emotions are stable. calm. determined.
there's still a bleak, black undercurrent of that exhaustive misery, but it's held in check by his will now.
he's got a bag of groceries that he starts putting away in various neat boxes. it's not like there's a fridge, but most of what he's gotten isn't about to spoil overnight, so. ）
Oy! Get in here.
（ whatever 'here' means. ）
no subject
it's good enough for grimmjow. he would rather the boy be resolute and active than depressed and lethargic. the more kurosaki puts his mind to a cause, the less he will be enveloped by his own self-reproach. )
What? ( he sounds annoyed, but he still heads over to him. )
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（ you can't judge an arrancar by the same standards as a human. he knows grimmjow meant... well, not well, but that he was trying to work it out and that ichigo hadn't made it easy on him. but it's still annoying. ）
no subject
( he ain't sorry. he did what he had to! and guess what? it worked out great. )
The jjang human ( note: he doesn't know if they're actually human but he is going with it until proven otherwise. ) said we can use filters to go anonymous or make our conversations private. Do you know how to do that, boy?
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（ no, shut up, you were wrong and you should feel BAD. ）
And no, this tech is more advanced than I'm used to. I can probably figure it out, though.
no subject
( he thinks they're extremely stupid and insignificant, and he still doesn't feel bad.
but he won't argue the point further. )
I will ask the jjang human to teach me if it's beyond your capabilities.
no subject
（ excuse him, not asking someone else for help when he can figure it out thanks??? ）
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Fine.
（ and then he shoves him over. this is absolutely the prelude to a tussle. them tusslin'. ）